Invasion of the Body Snatching Sniper
by PrincessDesire
Summary: A really silly, slightly OOC Irvine fic. He borrows Rinoa's body to get to Squall.


"Come on Rinoa, it's just over here." Irvine felt around inside his trench coat. His hand verified that the rope was there. Everything was set up; he just had to get over the guilt of what he was going to do. Nervously he reminded himself that all was fair in love and war.

"What does the machine do?" asked Rinoa for the millionth time. And just like all the other times, Irvine ignored her. She was starting to get very irritated. The inner workings of Fisherman's Horizon smelled like grease and oil. She hoped that Irvine's machine was as great as the trouble of getting to it.

"We are almost there," he assured.

He and Zell had found it last night by a tremendous stroke of luck. They had been playing spy games while ditching classes (and since they were teachers, they were being really bad) when Zell had called to him over the cool thing he had found. It was a machine with two phone booth-like compartments. Each compartment had a small red switch built into the wall, but there was also a big one on the outside.

Two boys with a giant human-size machine with big red levers and an unidentified purpose. There were no words to capture the enthusiasm.

It turned out that it was a body switching device. Once again, immeasurable excitement. They took turns mocking each other; "Hey, I'm Irvine, I'm an idiot" and "That's not a tattoo, I'm just really dirty."

But it hadn't really hit Irvine what he could do with it until Zell said something. "Oh man, I could have some fun with this."

Then it all flashed in his head. If he could somehow switch with Rinoa, he could have Squall all to himself. Over the past few weeks, they had been spending a good deal of time with each other and everyday Irvine was finding himself more in love/lust. Squall was opening up to him and sometimes it almost seemed like he was flirting. Now he had the opportunity to be Rinoa, just for a little while. He couldn't kill her or anything. He could just nab her body for a bit, have a quick shag with Squall, and set her free after moving the Machine. Yes, it was a great idea.

"Taa-daa!" he proudly exclaimed. "Come on, I'll show you how it works."

Irvine was pulling her by the arm towards a weird looking compartment. The Machine was huge. Rinoa started thinking that she was in kind of a dark, sinister place. She hadn't thought about it cause she was with Irvine, whom she trusted, but still…

"Hold still. I promise this will be groovy."

She allowed him to set something over her head. Then he closed the door with her inside hooked up to it. "Um, Irvine…"

"Just wait! Give me one more minute and then you'll understand!" he shouted at her. He hurriedly donned the stupid looking head gear. Then, he tied his feet together at the ankles and removed the rest of the rope from his coat. He smiled with his Irvine smile one last time before flipping the switch.

There was a loud zap and Irvine felt his body grow smaller and lighter. He didn't want Rinoa to realize what was happening while she still had the ability to flip the switch. So, he unplugged himself and ran to Rinoa's compartment. It was strange seeing himself in front of him. He grabbed the rope off the floor of her cell and wrapped it around her wrists.

Rinoa was freaking out. She was watching herself tie rope around her wrists. Only, her wrists looked like Irvine. And she felt larger and male. "What…what did you do to me?"

Irvine finished tying the knot, but started wrapping more rope around her whole male body. "I switched our bodies."

"Why?" she asked angrily.

"Well, I'm going to pretend I'm you. You are going to wait here for just a little bit and I'll come right back." He was counting on her surprise getting him through the binding process and he was right. She was just letting him tie her up.

She watched Irvine's new feminine lips form a nasty smile. "Why are you tying me up?"

"Squall," he said feeling happy, evil, and unhappy all at the same time. There was part of him that wanted to laugh a villainous cackle and another part that wanted to untie her and apologize. Irvine watched his face grow full of surprise and then hatred. He really was beautiful.

"You are going to sleep with MY boyfriend?" Her rage filled her new manly body. She fought the ropes with all her strength. They were tied tight; damn Seed training. "You will regret this."

"I'm sorry Rinoa, I just need to make sure that he's the one for me…and…"

"What?" she screamed angrily.

"Well, I might dump him. It depends on what I feel. I mean, you can try and get him back later."

She glared. Irvine's hat was blocking part of her view, but she wouldn't give up. She tried to make him die just by looks alone.

"I'll be back soon," he said, his hips swayed with his dress thing swishing behind him. "Well, not too soon."

* * *

"Squall, I'm hear for a shag!" shouted Rinoa's voice with Irvine's devious mind behind it.

Squall gave a half smile and stood up from his desk. There was something wrong. Irvine could see it in his face.

"What's wrong?"

Squall walked over and gave him a slight hug. It wouldn't have warmed up an ice cube. "We need to talk."

Irvine was about to joke that he had never heard Squall say those words, but he didn't know if Rinoa teased him or not. Instead he just did his best spacey look and said, "Uh-huh?"

He offered her a seat which Irvine declined. Instead, Squall sat back down. "Look Rinoa, I love you. I love you very much, but…" He took a deep breath.

Irvine hadn't ever been dumped, but he had a bad feeling that he was about to be. He had been on the giving side of this often enough to recognize it.

"Rinoa, I've been thinking about someone else. I'm so sorry. I don't have very much resistance around this other person and I really don't want to cheat on you. So, I'm going to just end us. You wouldn't want to be used anyway."

Great. Not only did he have to contend with Rinoa, there was another bitch he had to knock off. "Who?"

"I've been spending a lot of time with Irvine…" Yessss! His internal voice yelled. Squall loved him back! Wait, if Squall already loved him, why was he doing this stupid body switching thing? He groaned. Squall stopped his speech. "I'm sorry."

"No, I wasn't…it's just… it's fine." He smiled a bimboish smile. "I could tell that you were in love with him and I'm fine with it. Have a blast together!" He started to turn around to leave the room. Then he turned back, "You should make sure that you are physically compatible first."

As he left Squall surprised in his room, Irvine happily strolled back to the FH underbelly.

* * *

"Help!" screamed Rinoa again. It didn't matter. No one would hear her behind the compartment door in this mechanical hellhole that Irvine had left her in. When she got out, she was going to tear him apart, no matter whose body he was in.

Then he heard a "booyaka" which could only have belonged to Selphie. "Selphie!" she screamed.

"Did you just hear my name?" Selphie asked Zell.

"I think so," said Zell. "But we're almost there, so keep following me."

"When I'm you, can I go and hit on Irvine? I want to freak him out," chattered Selphie. Then she was sure that she heard her name being called. "Where is that coming from?"

"I think it's coming from the Machine."

When they reached Rinoa, Zell immediately began to untie her. "Irvine, who did this to you?"

Rinoa growled, "Irvine did this to me! He wants Squall."

"Rinoa?" gasped Selphie. "Irvine tied you up so that he can steal Squall from you using your body?"

Zell looked at her strangely. He looked stranger at the person that looked like Irvine when it nodded. "Wait, Selphie was right?"

"Yes Zell!" Rinoa yelled as she stood up from the compartment. "And now I have to kick a little ass."

She knew where Irvine would be, he would be at Squall's. She took a shortcut that she knew to his dorm room so that she could hopefully at least prevent a sexual finale. She knocked loudly upon the door. "Squall!"

He opened it nearly immediately. A broad smile covered his face, it wasn't something that she saw very often. "Irvine! I need to talk to you!"

She didn't say anything. If Squall was going to tell all about his sexual romp, she was going to have his hide as well as Irvine's. That was a pretty intimate thing to tell a friend about after all. She walked through the door and closed it behind her.

"You and I have been spending a lot of time together and I think maybe I've been getting some feelings for you."

Ice cube Squall finally decides to share his feelings and they are for Irvine. Rinoa squawked in livid astonishment. "What about Rinoa?"

He shrugged. "I told her how I felt and she said that she understood."

"Oh did she?" snapped Rinoa. She was having such conflicting feelings of destruction. What could she destroy first?

"Irvine, do you think I'm crazy saying I think I love you?"

Rinoa slapped him, hard. "You jerk! Rinoa has given you years of loyal affection. She has helped pull you out of your shell and taught you how to express yourself. She has made you the man that you are and all you can do is shag some other man? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Squall was gaping at her in shock. "Well, I just have been so attracted to you…"

"Which means you spend less time with me and resist the temptation. You don't just go and dump someone cause you have an itch! Don't you think your three year long relationship is worth more than that?"

Squall considered her words. "You're right," he said, hiding his face in his hands. "What should I do?"

Rinoa smiled for the first time since she had been in Irvine's stupid body.

* * *

"You set her free?" asked Irvine. He was horrified that someone had discovered his evil plot, but he was more worried about Rinoa being loose. Who knew what troubles she could cause him.

Zell answered with hands on hips. "Yeah Mister! That was really dirty! You big meanie!"

Irvine squinted down at the blonde. "Selphie?"

"I'm in Zell's body for a bit, but I wouldn't use it to steal his boyfriend if he had one!"

Zell sighed. "Thanks Selphie."

Irvine was sick of being a girl and he was beginning to regret having messed with things. How was he to know that he would have gotten Squall anyway? "Look, I'm just going to work it all out. It was a crappy plan, I admit that."

"Well go fix it then!" demanded Selphie.

"Why do you wear such short skirts? I feel like I'm exposing myself."

* * *

He ran as fast as he could back to Squall.

On the way, he came across himself with Rinoa inside. "Rinoa!" he yelled.

She was feeling smug and better, but she was still very pissed. "You are an evil idiot! And you smell! Don't you ever wear deodorant?"

Irvine was confused by her childish insults. She must not be as mad as he thought. "At least I can still function with no deodorant! How do you walk around with these things in?" He reached down Rinoa's bra and pulled out some of the TP he had been scratching at for the past hour.

She leveled her eyes at him. "You are not one to talk."

He blushed.

"Look, it was a mistake, but he didn't want you anyway. Maybe it's just better this way."

Rinoa smiled a Seifer-like smirk using Irvine's face. "You're right Irvine. It is better this way."

He squinted at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Get me out of this body first. I can't smell your stench any longer."

* * *

Irvine strolled contentedly to Squall's room. He was all ready to embrace his new love. He tapped on the door. "Squall…"

Squall opened it happily. "Irvine!"

That was a good sign. "Hi Squall!" he said back. He entered the room with confidence.

"Irvine, thank you so much for slapping me and having that talk with me. I must have lost my mind for a while there."

"What?" asked Irvine, seriously stumped. He didn't know what Rinoa had said to Squall, but apparently she had slapped him. Oh well, he could clear that up.

"You know, about Rinoa. I can't just give up just cause I have temptation and she is the most important thing. I just would love to thank you for being willing to transfer to another garden."

Another garden? "What?"

Squall shook his head. "I didn't mean it like that. I'll miss you, but I think it's for the better. Trabia already has a dormroom cleared out for you." Squall smiled. "I think you saved me and Rinoa's relationship."

Irvine sighed. 'Rinoa isn't as dumb as she looks' he thought. Then, he had to think back to make sure he hadn't accidentally insulted himself.

THE END


End file.
